New Year Just Found! – Scientists Sceptical

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In what can only be known as a great discovery and even greater mistake, researchers have located another new year to add to their calendars, much to the upset of those hoping for planet-wide nullification.

Scientists have been shocked to realise that there has been another year hiding just on the horizon, with technological devices only being able to identify 4543000020 possible rotations around the sun. This new year has appropriately been an unexpected shock, but most are not convinced that the discovery is all good news.

Speaking in a Science, science, I Love Science online magazine interview, Scientist Lilly Thium said:

I don’t know about anyone else, but I didn’t exactly have the best year last year. My cat ran away, there was no more rigatoni consistently in March, and I lived in the South so didn’t get any of the snow. I think all my colleagues and I were relieved when we were in the lab and saw that the Great Pause was coming, where our calculations have suggested that nothing will happen until things happen again. Unfortunately as we were packing away our end-of-year office Jenga, the news of the discovery came in and we didn’t know what to do. Good job I won the Jenga or I would have nothing positive to think about.

But Miss Thium’s feelings aren’t just limited to those of the maths and calculations kind of world. Normal Pete, the man who lives in the house, also shared his feelings about what this new year means for him:

I don’t really get it. I thought it was just going to stop at this point. Not sure how I feel knowing it’s going to carry on. Can my resolution be to stop believing in science? I’ve heard that the UK Government are planning to inject everyone in the country with germs – why can’t they just do that to the planet?

The news of the new year has really sent shockwaves around the globe, but is it the most shocking discovery to date? My neighbour Jane was shocked to discover her husband was sleeping with the woman across the road, and I was pretty shocked to be able to see and hear their conversation in the street. There was also a lightning storm – shocking?

Next up: What is at the end of the rainbow? Scientists suggest it’s just disappointment!

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. a funny sausage

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