Undirected Message in Group Chat Found to Actually be Super Directed


In a pretty unexpected scandal, a totally undirected message in a groupchat has turned out to be completely direct and has unknowingly pointed the blame to someone specific, despite the writer assuring their fellow messengers that nobody was to be prosecuted.

In the latest passive aggressive news, a student groupchat has lit up with a message that has recently been discovered to be pretty direct for an indirect plea. The WhatsApp thread reads:

This isn’t directed at anybody but whoever keeps using my grater and then leaving it on the side and not washing it up, whose mother is called Teresa and their dad’s name is Peter and who also fell off their scooter aged 5 and now has an indentation in their lip, can you please wash it up thank you x

The message was followed by another:

Again this isn’t directed at anyone in particular but can u just clean up after urselves thanks xo

The responses soon flooded in claiming innocence to the prosecutor’s claim, with ‘It’s not me because I always put it back,’ ‘I’m lactose-intolerant,’ and ‘My uncle’s called Peter but I don’t think that counts’ as a variety of excuses. The real perpetrator of the crime has yet to be found, but that isn’t what has really shocked the local community.

Fears that passive aggressive texts are flooding groupchats near you have become rampant, with many sending mass apologies to their own housemates to counter any possible indirect-direct messages that they may have sent in the past. Much to the shock and horror of many who have called in, the passive aggressive virus has actually spread faster than in a self-service queue of COVID patients who refuse to wear masks or stay at home.

Accounts of passive-aggressive requests for toilet rolls to be replaced and living room carpets to be vacuumed have rocketed following the recent announcement. Politeness is a virtue of days past and instead has left the question: How direct are your indirect groupchat requests? Are any of us really safe? Who, if anyone can, will rise up and stop this influx of anti-British behaviour? Will my housemate finally have to learn to clean up after himself?

I’ve had to write this indirect news article so that he can finally see that the mess doesn’t clean itself up. It’s honestly disgusting and it’s doing my head in. Yes, you, reading this, you live like a little gremlin. And can you please wash up my grater because I’m fed up of asking.

In other news, someone else has just finished my milk and I’m dying for a cuppa.


Wessex Scene Editor 21/22. Living vicariously through other people.

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