Orion’s Belt finally Paired with Matching Trousers


Ever since Orion accidentally launched his belt into space all those years ago, astronomers have always felt the sky looked somewhat naked wearing just the belt. Well today they can rejoice since Orion’s trousers have now also been launched into space, this time on purpose, to complete the night sky’s outfit. 

The trousers were recovered from Orion’s dirty laundry basket by a covert procurement team after receiving an anonymous tip, a spokesperson refused to comment on the cleanliness of the trousers at the time of launch however several journalists noted the unusually heightened presence of unmarked laundry hampers in the area. Industry experts speculate that serious attempts were made to clean the trousers however the spokesperson’s refusal to comment may indicate that these attempts were not as successful as they had hoped.

This shake-up in the stars has also caused quite a stir among astrologers, many of whom have begun to identify with the trousers. Sarah Banks, a former Aries who now considers herself to be a Trousers, tells us:

Before I became a Trousers I was always having to rework my day to fit my horoscope. Now though everything just falls into place, I’m no longer going out of my way to pour hot coffee over my annoying co-worker, it just happens by chance now!

Banks proceeded to trip over and spill her hot coffee all over our interviewer, causing us to have an internal review into our practice of interviewing our own team members; the review concluded that we could continue as before and Banks has been fired for being an insufferable presence around the office.

No shirt! No shoes! No service!

This launch has not been without controversy, numerous protestors turned out to the launch site in an attempt to sway public opinion against Orion’s fashion sense. Many of these protestors believe that until a shirt and pair of shoes can complete the outfit their mobile service will be hampered. One masked protestor who refused to be identified tell us ‘this is all a ploy by big mobile data to force us to pay for faster service! You see, before the trousers launched it was just a floating belt, completely harmless, but now it looks like it’s your average Brit on holiday in Benidorm and the satellites aren’t going to like that one bit. Satellites are a cultured people and so long as that cosmic eyesore remains up there they aren’t going to give us their best service so we’re going to have to pay for better service to compensate! No shirt! No shoes! No service! No shirt! No shoes! No service!

Whoever you are, please stop raiding my laundry!

The protestors begun to chant in unison and several attempted to complete the outfit by flinging their shirts and shoes into the sky to no avail. We reached out to several leading mobile network providers for comment but so far none have responded. Curious as to what Orion had to say about all this, we visited his house and were greeted by the man himself, trouserless and terrified; when we asked for his thoughts he said ‘whoever you are, please stop raiding my laundry!‘ Unfortunately that’s all he got to say before he retreated back inside due to the sudden appearance of an autonomous laundry hamper at the end of his drive.

What do you, our readers think of this? Should more of Orion’s wardrobe be sent into space? Is this all a conspiracy by big mobile data to sell more expensive plans? We want to hear your thoughts!


Editor-in-Chief for 2023/24. Interests include: satire, social sciences, heavy music, and leveraging anything within reach to try and make people laugh.

Leave A Reply