Indoor Sports Tournament Renamed ‘Four Weddings And A Funeral’


Following on from Boris Johnson’s update on social distancing regulations, an upcoming student indoor cricket tournament has undergone the devastating process of rebranding.

The new government requirements have extended the ‘rule of six’ to indoor organised sports as well as general socialising. This has wreaked havoc on an upcoming indoor sporting tournament, where one team alone will exceed the limit of people allowed in the space. Previously, indoor sports were exempt from this rule and were permitted to continue training. After the announcement was made, many sports teams who rely on indoor space due to weather and equipment even took to propaganda to express their discontent.

However, after a bit of socially distanced head-rubbing-together, one team have come up with a solution to this problem and have suggested a rebranding. Instead, the event will be named after the infamous Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Using the wicket as a temporary aisle, couples will be able to walk towards the umpire/minister to say their ‘I do’s’ while the teams are changing over. This new concept will mean that the capacity for the venue will increase from 6 to 90, enough for all teams and a whole host of spectators. The event will be running from 10am to 10pm, as the free onsite bar will be unlicensed after this time, again due to government advice.

The end of the tournament will see one team crowned as the winner, and, instead of a germy trophy, they will be rewarded by flipping the switch and dropping the body into the crematorium.

Applications are currently open for anyone wishing their wedding or funeral to be held at an amateur cricketing tournament. Funeral pre-orders are encouraged due to the nature of the disease that Johnson is trying to ignore. Please note due to the nature of the event that you will not be allowed to invite your own guests, neither will it be likely that you can turn up yourself. Tug-of-war optional.


Wessex Scene Editor 21/22. Living vicariously through other people.

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