How to Handle Coronavirus like an Expert

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The last day of the 2010s saw both the ending of a decade and the start of something new. The 31st of December 2019 was the date that the World Health Organisation first reported cases of COVID-19 in Wuhan, China. Since then, the disease has picked up speed, and with it, mass hysteria. Unsure how to handle coronavirus? Look no further because boy, have we got some advice for you…

Panic!

This is the first step to battling something like coronavirus. Obviously, despite it being just a simple celled pathogen, it will understand your emotions and will try its hardest not to upset you further. Therefore, if you’re panicking, it might just leave you alone! Bonus points if your panicking leads to further panic from others – you’re making a real difference!

Be offensive

The increase of racism and offensive comments towards people heralding from China has definitely been caused by the scepticism surrounding coronavirus. However, just being highly xenophobic is not going to help you to handle coronavirus like a boss. Instead, try being offensive to everyone! If you shout terrible slander to your neighbour, then you can keep your fingers crossed that Jeff will stay away from you. That also means you’re likely to be safe from Jeff in the off chance he gets affected because lonely people are also the safest.

Spread something special of your own

For those of you who want to avoid interactions with the virus itself, there is a way to make sure you’re still Keeping up with the Coronavirusensuring that you spread something just as deadly. That’s right! It’s misinformation time. Are you a fan of whipping out facts and figures to try and prove your point? Do you not enjoy wasting hours finding accurate numbers? Do you enjoy people reacting with shocked faces, often making exclamations of ‘No, that can’t be true’? If this sounds like you, then you’re part of a lucky bunch of expert coronavirus survivors, who ensure other people know exactly what the virus is like from your perspective. Did you hear that it makes your tongue purple and you can catch it by thinking of a fine brie while sitting outside in temperatures above 28°C?

Become a health official!

For those who haven’t seen the infamous video, a health official from California tells the crowd during a speech to ‘Start working on not touching your face, because one main way viruses spread is when you touch your own mouth, nose or eyes.’ However, this health official (named as Sara Cody for Santa Clara Valley) does not explicitly follow her own advice, much to the amusement of literally everyone. Despite the video only being uploaded to Twitter a few days ago, it’s received 7.4 million views. While Cody doesn’t seem to be doing the right thing, she most definitely is handling coronavirus like a boss! Way to go Cody!

Pretend to be self-employed to steal money from the Government*

Considering that the UCU strikes have been massively affecting some of the courses at university, I’m not too hopeful about completing my degree to a high standard. However, GOV.UK have changed their sick pay legislation amid coronavirus fears, which means that those who choose to self-isolate if they are affected by the virus can claim compensation. Those who are working for companies can receive £94.25 a week via statutory sick pay (SSP) as long as they earn more than £118 a week usually. What has changed here is that people can claim SSP from the first day they become ill, rather than having to wait three days as normal. Now, as a respectable student, I don’t have a job (and definitely don’t have £118 extra a week, hot damn) – so how can I claim? Well, after a bit of research, I’ve found somewhat of a loophole. If you pretend to be self-employed, you can potentially access an Employment Support Allowance. I want me some of that.

Stockpile everything

Everyone knows that disease is a very likely cause for the next apocalypse, so it’s important for those hoping to outlive the danger of coronavirus to stock up on all the essentials. Whether this is like those down under making sure they’ve got enough to wipe their down unders, or if it’s family-packs of Oreos, be sure to pick something that will help you survive – and will retain its shape for many years of hiding to come.

Or you can just do what the NHS suggest which is just wash your hands for at least 20 seconds and have generally good sanitation. Or not! This being due to, of course, my most reliable source of science fact, Donald Trump, who thinks coronavirus is ‘very mild’… So we should be okay!

*Further research has shown this definitely WON’T work, but there’s no harm in trying!

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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