How to Cook up a Sex Life in Under 30 minutes

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A wise webpage once stated that routine is the death of a good sex life. In order to keep yourself and your partner(s) happy, it’s important to spice things up in the bedroom, keeping things fresh. However, sexual liberation has been on a steady increase and the normal ways to spice up a sex life are now routine – meaning death. But how can we spice up spiced-up? There is only one answer. Spice.

Food is a very useful tool when incorporated into a sexy routine. However, excessive consumption of sexy foods can lead to adverse health effects, such as high blood sugar. Luckily for spice fans, cinnamon can be used in these situations due to its innate ability to reduce that darned blood sugar, so chowing down in a sensuous manner can become a new and intimate way to add flavour to any standard meal. Fruits, like bananas, work perfectly in this scenario, raising blood sugar and sexual tensions, while the cinnamon coating inspires low blood sugar and spicy aftertastes.

A lack of hydration is all too common a problem during highly intense moments of passion. Lack of hydration can lead to dryness of the mouth, the opposite to the moistness that is desired by many recipes. Dryness can also lead to one of the biggest mood killers: bad breath. The smell is a big evocation of memory, so it’s important to combine enticing smells with physical stimulation. Bad breath is not ideal in representing an intense sex life and is certainly not the taste sensation that one would hunger for. One way to reduce this effect is taking a swig of water, but that can be cumbersome and requires a wait time of a few moments, leading to a hormonal depletion similar to the disappointment of an unrisen soufflé. A better and spicy way to fix this issue is using nutmeg. This helpful seed can be ground into a powder or chomped whole, and its curing abilities eliminate bad breath and instead leave a sweet and spicy smell – a memory you won’t be forgetting any time soon.

But things don’t have to be in the bedroom to get spicy. A simple way of letting your partner know you’re thinking about them – that you’re really thinking about them – is using the new advances in technology to up your flirting game. Sexting is a way this can be done, but rather than focusing on indecent images, perhaps try to focus on the fragrant nature of emojis. Typical raunchy emojis include the aubergine, peach, and pancakes, but this can often lead to complications. Sending and receiving pictures of food can lead you to become hungry, which prompts either guilt eating or the ceasing of flirtatious play. However, cayenne pepper is known for its fat-burning properties, which essentially means you can eat while you flirt, free from guilt and full of spice.

If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, grab some allspice and prepare for the sauté of your life. This is a sure-fire way to flambé the sex that you’ve always wanted but dared not attempt. Follow the recipe below to see how this is done.

 

Maple glazed sex life

Makes one spicy relationship

Ingredients:

1 bored routine

1tsp cinnamon

1 whole nutmeg seed

1tsp cayenne pepper

 

Method:

  1. Preheat antics to hot and steamy ˚C
  2. Grind the routine (ensure ingredients are thoroughly combined)
  3. Add spice
  4. Bring to the boil, then leave to simmer
  5. Remove from heat
  6.  Congratulate yourself on becoming the latest taste sensation
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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns

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