Coronavirus Wins Big at Annual Lifestyle Awards


The Lifestyle Awards, which were set up to celebrate small businesses that contribute to their communities, has seen a drastic change in nominees this year, and all due to one over-arching winner.

Celebrating the hard work of individuals who have put their hearts and souls on the line to bring joy to others is something that is very important. Many cities in the UK have their own awards schemes to congratulate their local businesses and the people who run them, who are making a huge difference to other’s everyday lives. However, this year’s nominations list appears to be very different from anything that has been seen in the past.

For the first time since its founding in 2010, one single name is being thanked by nominees throughout all categories, and word has come out that it’s going to be taking away a huge stack of prizes once the ceremony takes place later this year.

Who is this mysterious success story? Well, its none other than the covidtorious, coronavirus.

With almost every single small business either momentarily shutting up shop or closing down for good, the 2020 Lifestyle Awards are looking to be emptier than a supermarket’s available home delivery slots. However, due to the coronavirus, a new strain of home-bound businesses have boomed all across the UK. While previously not being established enough to enter the awards, these new business ventures have filled up the nominations list, attributing their success to the debilitating virus.

The full list of categories and nominees are listed below:

Hair Salon of the Year

‘Mr Snips’ – Run by my dumb brother who tried to do an eyebrow slit but shaved half of it off.

‘Fresh Trims’ – The place where they dye your hair black by accident, and you hate it immediately.

‘Bold by Choice’ – For the brave and stupid, who have chosen to remove all hair from their head. We salute you.

Fitness Facility of the Year

‘Baker Centre’ – The brain and brawn behind the ‘fake cricket ball swing thing.’

‘The Kitchen Cupboards’ – Quite a lot of heavy lifting counting all those soup tins.

‘Your parent’s bedroom’ – They’re probably doing it right now too.

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‘Live’ Entertainment Award

‘Your parent’s bedroom’ – Really puts the ‘er’ into ‘entertainment.’

‘Kibble and Ko’ – Inspiring all who see with inter-generational TikToks.

‘Marital Qualms’ – The couple who started arguing in the comment section of a Facebook Live quiz.

Best Theatre Show

‘Marital Qualms: The Musical’ – A delicate retelling of one of the most heart-breaking stories of this century.

‘ExodUS’ – Manned by the biggest chorus a stage has ever seen, this tragic tale sees swarms of 20-somethings being forced back into their childhood homes.

‘Man with Tesco Bag’ – This ballet/physical theatre production happened outside my window, which involved much-spilt milk.

Pub of the Year

‘It’s 5 o’clock Somewhere’ – Known locally for its ‘time has lost all meaning’ motto, with a can of Fosters being cracked open as early as 9.30am.

‘Board and Befuddled’ – A place where getting smashed and trying to play Monopoly against your family go hand in hand.

‘Dad’s Ironic Isolation Birthday Drink’ – You’d never guess it was a Corona, would you?

Members Club of the Year

‘Avenue Queue’ – Meetings are held in the line to get into Sainsbury’s.

‘Accidental Like Group’ – Until tomorrow…

‘The UK Government’ – Despite not having a cure, they do have testing kits.

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Lifestyle Influencer of the Year

‘Hugo Boss’ –  Don’t let the isolation stop you from making fun of people.

‘Netflix’ – Staying in bed for many, many more months has never felt so productive.

‘Animal Crossing’ – No matter how hard you try, once you start, you just won’t be able to switch it up.

Voting opens as soon as the lockdown ends, but who knows how many of these businesses will survive in the ‘outside the inside’ world. Hopefully, however, this year’s nominees will inspire a new generation of community-focused businesses, where even a 15-year-old boy can get recognised for his achievements.

Thanks, coronavirus, for this opportunity!


Wessex Scene Editor 21/22. Living vicariously through other people.

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