Clams Discovered to Be Very Sad Indeed

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Say goodbye to one of your favourite sayings, as research has shown that clams are actually morbidly depressed.

A disheartening study recently conducted amongst the native British Clam population has scored record-low in all aspects of life satisfaction, beating out oysters for the first time in 50 years. With a score of only 0.5 on the Oxford Happiness Index, British Clams are the least cheerful bivalve molluscs not only around the U.K. but also in the greater North Sea area.

The investigation conducted by Dr. Motthew Grundle PhD has raised some serious concerns about the living conditions, food availability and job satisfaction of our shelled friends.

I found out, right, that these clams have a real sh*t time. You know how most of us live in houses, yeah? They don’t! They live under the water! Imagine how cold and miserable that is – they don’t even have a place to put a TV! Here’s the worst part though – instead of eating steak dinners or fish and chips like us, they just eat sand. How depressing is that?

  • On Clams and their Well-Being or Bro, check out those Clams!, Dr Motthew Grundle, 2020

Clam activist group, Clactivism, have been a new wave of tidal petitions across the seven seas, pleading with governments and literary scholars alike to ‘Get our Clams smiling again!

Campaign Manager and owner of the North California Shellfish Diner, Pearl Infauna, spoke about the cause over a delicious bowl of chowder:

It’s about time that the government starts taking this issue seriously and takes steps to remedy our concerns. The Clam has been a symbol of merriness and joy for the past thousand years, and now under their watch we can no longer use them as a source of positive feeling. What the hell are we supposed to say now? ‘Happy as a little kitty cat playing with a big ball of yarn that then pushes it and has to chase it around the room? I think not. Get those Clams happy again, I say, then we can finally start speaking as we like.

But it’s not just the clams that are taking a stand. Researchers have also found evidence of horrifically misplaced beastial similes. Studies done in Thailand have shown that many bees have actually rejected their ‘busy’ label and the hardworking lifestyle for one of sunbathing and nectar mojitos. Similarly, a colony of bats in the Tongass National Park in Alaska have undergone a series of cybernetic implants in order for their retinas to withstand sunlight. So far, these operations have been successful, meaning that those who struggle to see clearly may now be described as ‘blind as my uncle Mark after five pints of lager.’  

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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