Government’s New COVID-19 Test To Use Predicted Grades

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Following on from the success of the A-level algorithm, the UK Government has replaced their previous track-and-trace system with one based on guesswork using public records.

Before the multitude of petitions against it, the algorithm that worked out students’ grades was a big hit with Parliament and was favoured by many. Its success in their eyes is evident as they have begun rolling out a similar algorithm for different avenues besides just education.

The new coronavirus testing system will look at previous medical records to see who is at risk, then ignore those and base claims instead on socio-economic standing. Those who are from poorer backgrounds will be tested as ‘negative’ immediately, whereas anyone making over £10k a week will be moved to a secure location to isolate in complete comfort. Any persons who can recall their secondary school predicted grades will be advised to isolate for a further month, however anyone who cannot recall these details will be ruled as ‘completely fine’ and will be encouraged to ‘lick other people’s faces.’

This news comes only days after it was revealed that the R rate had risen to 1.1, which just means that it is more likely for low-income households to be sacrificed to the state.

But it’s not all doom and gloom for those who aren’t monetarily better-off. The Government are also looking to adapt their benefits system, which means anyone who is deemed likely to be tested ‘negative’ for COVID-19 will automatically be sent a £1 coin and a postcard from Downing Street, signed by all your favourites!

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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