‘Humans Can’t Get Viruses Because They Are A Virus,’ Says Research

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Much like how a mushroom cannot become fungal, researchers of human sociology are stating that human beings are incapable of being affected by further viruses after they are discovered to be a virus themselves.

First put as a response to climate change, many claimed that ‘humans are the virus’ that is responsible for the destruction of the natural world. However, there appears to be more than just angry greenfingers behind these words, as a group of sociology postgraduates have confirmed that being human is a viral condition.

Leader of the research team, Sarah Achoo, has commented on the research that took four years of hard work:

What started out as a joke from angry Facebook commenters actually turned into an interesting idea for my further education. Luckily for the government, we have found conclusive evidence that human beings are actually fully self-vaccinated against all viruses, due to being one themselves. The flu cannot catch the measles, clearly showing that all anti-viral attempts in medicine should be scrapped.

The group of researchers, who began studying together at Southampton’s Solent University, have been credited by the current British government for saving somewhere in the region of an absolute shedload for the national economy. A spokesperson for Parliament has said that the research has been ‘a saving grace’ for the confused House, who now ‘no longer have to pretend to care about COVID-19 and the public’s health as they are going to be absolutely fine.’

However, not all are thrilled with the news. Billionaire mogel, Mr MoneyPants M.B.E., made his fortune through the overpricing of anti-viral drugs. In a recent press release, Mr MoneyPants instead said a word of thanks rather than one of lamentation after significant losses:

I come here today with an announcement that Overpriced Medicines Ltd is filing for administration. I, however, would like to send a huge personal thanks to our Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, for buying £250M worth of unsatisfactory PPE before the company was collapsed. To show my appreciation, I will be donating £3.50 to some foreign country and giving them a great deal on any discounted stock that they will definitely now need.

Many environmentalists have countered that the new research is ‘completely unhelpful’ for the overall picture, and that ‘proving we’re right is not the same as fixing the problem.’ A rally was organised outside the Houses of Parliament, but was postponed due to sickness.

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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