The Best Ways to Be the Worst Housemate

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It’s a known fact that at least one person in a student house will end up being an a**hole. So why not get ahead of the game and take the initiative? We have compiled some great advice for any of you who wish to enter into the worst year of someone else’s life.

Come up with some whack excuses

There’s plenty of activities that will annoy people. What is perhaps worse than some of the annoying things is when confronted about it, the worst housemates end up denying they’ve done anything wrong with a whole host of unbelievable excuses. One recent source has claimed that this excuse is actually real: ‘I don’t have time to wash up because I’m going to go and try acid.’¬†Blame it on the dog you don’t have, the alignments of the moon, the thickness of the cheese slice in your Co-Op sandwich. Whatever. Make it yours, you terrible person.

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Make some noise. Not too much, but just enough

The worst housemate isn’t actually the one who invites loads of people around for a party. Chances are that that housemate will clean up after themselves, apologise profusely for the noise, or will have invited you all along anyway, so that it is vodka under the bridge. The worst housemate will know that raucous parties are not the way to annoy everyone. The best option to aim for is making just enough noise that people can hear it through the walls, but not enough that they feel like they’re justified in asking you to keep it down. Awkwardness here will be your best friend, so you will achieve more if you also make the sound something that nobody wants to talk about, be it an argument with your grandma, pornography, or uncontrollable and definitely not fake wailing.

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Fill that bowl, son

The toilet is a sacred place for all households, and the worst housemate knows how to take advantage of this. Go number two, or ejaculate, or even just fill it with spaghetti. Make sure whatever you do is something that the next person coming in will definitely see, perhaps investigate, and definitely be grossed out before they inevitably flush it.

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Swiper, keep swiping

Much like the antagonist of the admired¬†Dora the Explorer, Swiper is known for swiping. And Swiper would definitely be the worst housemate for Dora, so maybe take a tip out of his foxy, little book. Take it for your own use, move stuff around and don’t tell anyone, sell it – I don’t care. One worst housemate has even sold someone’s coat recently that had their passport in the pocket, so go nuts! There are no rules anymore!

Credit: Jessica Lucia, via Flickr (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0)
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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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