This! Halloween’s! Rumoured! Hottest! Costumes!

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Gone are the days of shaking that thang and getting a free drink from a stranger at the bar. Nowadays, you must impress from a distance and the best way to do that is with what you’re wearing. Better still, show both your style and your wit by dressing up for the spoookiest season of the literal horror show of a year.

 

A Medical Professional

Dressing up as a zombie is a thing of the past. Instead, the walking dead will now be recognised as any kind of medical professional, who are famously known for being overworked and overstretched beyond what is truly humanly acceptable. Ensure you wear dark makeup around your eyes and look as though the terrors that you have recently seen were quite avoidable if only there was appropriate guidance given. Basically, look proper dead.

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The Seventh Friend

Like a ghost in the night, you appear and everyone wishes you did not. Not just because they fear death at your translucent hands, but mostly because they can get arrested by even looking at you. Turns out that the UK Government are the new Ghostbusters, and you, as the sad little seventh friend, must wrap yourself in a ghostly sheet and woooo all the way into the walls.

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A Liverpudlian

You are the first to fall. The first to be really, really screwed up by your own people, to the extent that the Government think you’re gross and need to be kept far away from everyone else. If you come too close, you’ll suck away their ability to go the pubs and restaurants. Give yourself little fangs so you can quickly rip through all those delivery bags that will be coming through your door since you can’t actually leave. Gosh, that must hurt like a stake to the heart.

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A Zoom Call

Please, no, stop, you’re too funny. If you are a #relatablequeen, try relating to those other hip kids who are now using online methods for both learning and socialising. It’s so hot and trendy to stick your little head in a cardboard cutout and pretend that you’re buffering. If you’re lucky, nobody will be itching to mute themselves and turn you off so they can go back to bed.

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The Jolly Green Grim Reaper

You embody the impending doom of all the natural world, and in turn, us. Dress not in drab, black clothes, for you are jovial! A flower crown may adorn your head, and a large sweeping cloak that is both light and encasing. You are hot. Oh so hot. Oh no, you’re too hot. You’ve ruined everything. We’re all going to explode into a fiery mass now. Good job, excellent. Well done.

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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