The Dissolute Doctor Diaries: Smelly, Sleepy, and Hangry – A Dwarf Tale

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Dear patient log,

I’m back! It appears we have made quite a ruckus amongst the medical professionals and they have been advocating that we stop this online practice… Unlikely! The people need us and I need this for proof that I am better than everyone else in Reception. I was so excited about our little rebellion that I really couldn’t sit still while in a recent meeting with my typist and was just jumping all over the place! Such fun!

Disclaimer: Princess Doctor Isabella Starshine is four years old. Any advice given is ill-advised as it may make ill those advised.

Question: Dear doctor, essentially, I have really sweaty and quite stinky feet. Any tips?

Answer: After childhood and before old age, a person will typically get very sweaty and therefore smelly feet; this is just a fact of life. In order to ensure that this stink doesn’t become too potent or turn into something else, you may want to consider washing your feet all the time with pink, raspberry soap because it smells nice. Then rub them with a vanilla cream for moisturisation and extra flavour.

Question: Dear doctor, I keep falling asleep in my lectures! When I get bored, I yawn, and when I yawn, I sleep. Help me, I think I’m going to fail online uni!

Answer: What a great shame that you aren’t going to be forced into a room with many people where the societal pressure will keep you awake! My advice is to hire yourself a waker-upper who should jump on you if you start yawning. If it hurts, fall over! Moving around won’t give you the opportunity to fall asleep. If you don’t want to risk a couple of bruises, just squirt yourself with water quite viciously when you yawn, just make sure you’ve got your video turned off.

Question: Dear doctor, when I don’t eat, I get really moody, but when I do eat, I always end up feeling really full. Should I change my diet?

Answer: I think it’s important that you get all the meals of the day – yoghurt, ham sandwich, and spaghetti bolognaise – especially if it makes you a bit of a mardy cow. As for the getting full immediately, you could try just spitting into a towel or napkin when you start feeling this way, as the nutrients may have been picked up in the mouth but there will be nothing hearty to digest. You can follow this up with a magic strawberry drink that you intake while standing on one leg and hopping, which should, by my books, make the bad feelings comes out of your cheek. I hope this helps.

Have any questions of your own? Email pause@wessexscene.co.uk to have your queries answered by our in-school professional.

More articles in The Dissolute Doctor Diaries
  1. The Dissolute Doctor Diaries: Gas, Ass & Brain Feeling Class
  2. The Dissolute Doctor Diaries: Smelly, Sleepy, and Hangry – A Dwarf Tale
  3. The Dissolute Doctor Diaries: Shots, Spots, And Getting All Hot
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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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