The Dissolute Doctor Diaries: Shots, Spots, And Getting All Hot


Dear patient log,

This is our first entry and I am rather excited. When I first began my doctorate journey, I never thought it would lead me here. Even as an infant, I was told countless times that I was special and that I would one day do great things. I thought it would be a pretty remarkable move to open my own online medical advice centre the next day. As for me, I have just been asked if I wouldn’t mind sharing my juice carton by another child. The answer is always no, Jessica, you walking disease sack.

Disclaimer: Princess Doctor Isabella Starshine is four years old. Any advice given is ill-advised as it may make ill those advised.

Question: Dear doctor, I keep throwing up every time I take shots. Do you have any advice for me to look a bit cooler at parties?

Answer: I take my liquids with a straw and a firm rub on the back, so I would suggest trying this yourself. Typically, a nice rub will make a child burp and has the potential to produce vomit, but in the event that you already throw-up, it’s that old saying of uno-reverse card. I’ve never actually played uno, but I also don’t know what shots are, so go figure.

Question: Dear doctor, I have really bad acne and it makes me self-conscious. I’m not a fan of steroids so I was wondering if there was a way to fix it without having to swallow anything?

Answer: Unfortunately, I can’t relate to this as my skin is literally fashioned from a baby’s buttocks, but I do have some further questions for you. What are these spots like? My mother is a big fan of squeezing every last one, so have you tried that? Is there any discolouration? If they are, for example, purple in colour, you could always pretend to be a dinosaur. That really is a hoot. As for the swallowing, wait till you’re a bit older, as my mother says.

Question: Dear doctor, I get really hot in bed and wake up completely soaked from sweat. This is gross and also makes me really cold overnight so I keep having a bad night’s sleep. Any advice?

Answer: Take off the blankie, my dear. Too many layers will make you super warm, and snuggles are infamous for creating heat. If this is something you’ve already tried, perhaps think about investing in a good chest freezer and poke some holes in the top for air. This way, you’ll be kept much cooler and hopefully will awake to see the morning.

Have any questions of your own? Email to have your queries answered by our in-school professional.

More articles in The Dissolute Doctor Diaries
  1. The Dissolute Doctor Diaries: Gas, Ass & Brain Feeling Class
  2. The Dissolute Doctor Diaries: Smelly, Sleepy, and Hangry – A Dwarf Tale
  3. The Dissolute Doctor Diaries: Shots, Spots, And Getting All Hot
  4. The Dissolute Doctor Diaries: Turn the Ve-Can’t into the Vegan

Wessex Scene Editor 21/22. Living vicariously through other people.

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