“I’ve Just Been on the Phone to Santa and It’s Not Good News,” Says PM


While many people across the globe are hoping for the eradication of COVID-19 in time for Christmas, Boris Johnson has just revealed the sombre truth after a Zoom with St Nick.

In a recent press release, the British PM announced to the public that beloved figure, Father Christmas, really doesn’t have hope in a global cure anytime soon. During his speech, Johnson stated:

So I did go out and speak to Mr Claus as requested by the British People. Unfortunately, he did say that there was nothing to be done and that we would just have to keep trying our best and remember the importance of staying home, controlling the virus, and ordering Christmas presents from Amazon.

While most in the small crowd were shocked by the PM’s decision to promote non-British companies in his speech, they were wowed to the brink of tears at his selfless and engaging act of passion for staying and controlling. However, most were also disappointed to hear that Santa was unable to fulfil the government wishes of gifting everyone a cure and helping to end the pandemic, which has doomed so many great nights out.

Speaking to one distressed student from Southampton, they said they were ‘appalled’  at the information and that they ‘really believed in Santa’ and his ability to cure the whole world.

The news comes only too soon after the uproar at the fun, bearded man’s annual trip around the globe, with travel restrictions that are put down in many countries being flaunted quite substantially. Similarly, many were shocked to hear that Mr Claus would continue entering many different households, which is also a big no-no for many people across the globe.

Now that it is settled that a cure won’t be manufactured in a North Pole toy factory, a small number of activists are planning on promoting the banning of Christmas this year, especially anything related to cross-continental travel and contamination. One member of the elusive group had this to say:

This year we will have to give up all the dreaming and wishing and settle with the bleak reality of our lives. Father Christmas cannot and should not flout the rules just because of his societal position, nor should we be allowing him into our homes when I can’t even see my own mother! The only Christmas carol I shall be listening to this year is ‘In the bleak Midwinter’ and I suggest everyone else do the same too!

It seems instead of the usual trimmings, the only thing that will be promoted for Christmas dinner is humbugs.


Wessex Scene Editor 21/22. Living vicariously through other people.

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