Holidays AREN’T Coming, and Here’s Why

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As most of you must know by now, Coca-Cola have cancelled their UK tour with their truck that graces televisions throughout the festive period. A spokesperson for the company has put the cancellation down to coronavirus, but did you know there are many more reason why this year’s holidays have been sent down the pan?

1. You’re a greedy man

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Share and share alike with your fellow men! Being greedy and selfish will only lead to you being haunted by multiple ghosts or having your pet tarantula released and your life savings knicked. Maybe your greed will lead to a small, ill child of your employee dying, or maybe your younger brother will be abandoned at Christmas. Either way, you’ve ruined it. Save some cheesy, cheese pizza for me on the naughty list.

2. You’re a mean one

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Mr Grinch, they call you. You know they do. There’s just something very off about you. They talk in rhymes. Like wind on wood chimes. Victims and haters of your Christmastime crimes. They hoosit and tweek, you schpow and sneak, stealing away the Christmas they’ve waited for all week. But what can be done? It’s quarter to one! And along in your sack is trapped all their festive fun. You’ve also ruined Christmas, you scoundrel and tool. Holidays aren’t coming and it’s your fault, you fool.

3. Santa’s had an escapade!

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He’s only gone and run off and nobody can track him down. His wife, his sister, his right-hand elf… nobody can find him! One whisper from the grove has said that he’s gone for a yoga retreat after the overwhelming stresses of the year have piled up. If nobody can spot the Santa, then there’s nobody to deliver the presents and that’s the only thing we want! Holidays simply can’t come, but maybe it’s not entirely your fault.

4. They’ve cancelled flights so you can’t go back to Portugal to propose to the woman that you’ve been falling in love with beyond the use of words.

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Colin Firth is very disappointed.

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. a funny sausage

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