The Quarantine Guide to… Becoming Baller

I remember the days fondly when my inbox was filled with bittersweet emails from Indeed.com. Once lockdown hit and the job market crashed, my inbox filled only with the occasional email telling me about some miracle tablets. I would sometimes click, as I sadly have to admit I’m not measuring at the strong 2 metres and 7 inches that they’re advertising…

And so I found myself at home, jobless, and making best friends with my right hand until I decided to defy the odds by landing a job. Through a process of trial and error, I have finally come up with a guaranteed way to ensure that all your financial worries will disappear.

Step One: Write a CV

All the time you spent in school has finally paid off because in over 13 years of education they’ve taught us how to write a CV… wait no, they haven’t. I can tell you how long the hypotenuse on a right angle triangle is though, or affirm I have absolutely no life because I memorised the quadratic formula despite it being on the formula sheet they gave you in the bloody maths test.

Step Two: Apply for McDonald’s or Burger King

These places are always hiring and so it makes sense to start your job search here. If you’re reading this, then you’re probably at University and that means you’re more than qualified, so this is a sure-fire way to land the job, right?

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Step Three: Be told you’re over-qualified for the position

I remember applying to Burger King at 16 with predicted A’s for my GCSE’s and I was told I was overqualified then so I’ve got no hope now. Oh to be Gary in Portswood McDonald’s who can’t do maths to save his life because he’s the guy that gives £20 change for a £10 note. Jealously is an ugly colour.

Step Four: Beg

Once you’ve been rejected from the job, it’s time to turn on the waterworks and start begging for the position. You can do this in any way: telling a tragic life story to enlist guilt from the interviewer (much like Chunk does when captured by the Fratellis in Goonies); offer them a bribe, or ugly cry yourself to success. Don’t plead because that is degrading.

Step Five: Plead

Begging didn’t work? You really are desperate. I recommend falling to the ground, wrapping yourself around the interviewer’s legs and refusing to let go until they hire you. You get extra points if they start moving about and you stay gripped to their leg, enjoying the awkward shuffle they do that pulls you along with them like those times when you were a small child and did this to a beloved parent.

Step Six: Realise you’re not above stripping

When you fall on hard times, the brain often considers many job avenues that may seem viable. There’s probably a market for a slightly chubby, acne-infested person who’s willing to put in a lot of heart and show a lot of skin.

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Step Seven: Realise you’re not above prostitution

You’re seriously considering it.

Step Eight: Land an Interview

If you’ve made it to this step, then you didn’t consider stripping or prostitution as a viable profession. Have it your way, it’s your loss. You probably handed out CV’s for weeks on end and eventually landed an interview for a job. Well done you. Enjoy battling the 600 applicants for that one four-hour shift a week. I didn’t want the job at The Works anyways.

Step Nine: Fail the Interview

Sucks to be you who turned your nose up at step six and seven because now others are making dollar and you’re not.

Step Ten: Cry over Dolly Parton

This is the moment when you realise Dolly Parton’s ‘9 to 5′ will never apply to you. You won’t tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen, no more pouring cups of ambition and no more jumping in the shower to get the blood pumpin’ because you will literally be sat on the sidewalk all day.

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Step Eleven: Begging Pt. 2

Good job you got the practice in earlier. As you beg, you’ll continue to elevate the fact that the government only cares about billion-pound corporations that need a lifeline to keep nice little jets in the sky. Don’t worry though, there’s half-priced food three days of the week for a month and a whopping £50 to repair that bike you never owned. I ask you, who’s the real winner here?

Step Twelve: Get Lucky and Marry Rich

All you need is to find a partner with vast wealth and convince them you’re an absolute catch. Perhaps if they’re much older, allude to the primeness of your youth, and continue courting them for a week until they undoubtedly propose. Now you’ve secured your fortune and are part of the elite 1% which coronavirus seems to not effect. Kick back and enjoy all your hard work.