The Quarantine Guide to… Cooking?

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Lockdown has helped me get more acquainted with the kitchen, for better or for worse, so I thought now was the best time of all to share some tips and tricks to making something in the kitchen.

Below are some fail safe techniques which have saved me a lot of trouble and are worthy of their own dusty and neglected cookbook.

Put a bit of this and a little bit of that

Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares are a great inspiration for my own chef persona. One of the things that make him the most upset in many of the restaurants he visits is that the food is very bland and sloppy. To fix this problem, just chuck in a little bit of this and sprinkle a little bit of that over everything. The beauty of this technique is that this and that can be anything. I put a bit of honey in my stir fry, and soy sauce in my porridge. Delicious.

Raw is a flaw

This is perhaps a personal preference but raw food is obviously a big nono. I used to avoid chicken and other things that could make me die, but instead I have grasped the cooking bull by its succulent horns and blasted everything in the oven until it is crisped and dry. Safe cooking is yum cooking and even a raw carrot can be deadly. Forgo the fridge, welcome the oven at 220°C.

Halt the salt

While some people have gotten more gym bunny throughout lockdown, I have certainly felt a bit hare-y about it all. In order to make sure my heart doesn’t stop, I have tried to cut down on the salt content in my food rather than do any exercise. While salt is thought to be important for seasoning, you can replace it with this and that, without really noticing the difference. Salt needed for a recipe? Change it for crushed-up ibuprofen. Need to give your steak a salt-crust? Encase it in marshmallow fluff. Your saltless soup craving a bit of rock dust? Put it in the bin.

Dress to impress

It’s a known saying that you eat with your eyes, but that doesn’t often just come down to the way you’ve adorned the plate. You yourself must look your best for the food to really be delicious, so set those piping hot meals aside while you wash and straighten your quarantine locks, put on your finest attire and slap on a new face. While the chances are your plates will be a bit cold when you’re ready to chow down, all palates will be suitably wet, all thanks to your decadent and pleasing style.

Don’t

Cooking at home is not the be all and end all of being a successful chef. Many a culinary master actually just fobs off someone else and merely pretends it is their own stuff. Much like how Gary Linekar is not actually a crisp man, your £30 takeaway curry, rice, and extra bits can be presented as though they are the product of your own blood, sweat, and kitchen appliances, so long as nobody checks the bin afterwards.

More articles in The Quarantine Guide To
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  2. The Quarantine Guide to… Decorating Your Room Like You Don’t Already Hate It
  3. The Quarantine Guide to… Being Your Own Best Friend
  4. The Quarantine Guide to… Becoming Baller
  5. The Quarantine Guide to… Son, Sext and Suspicious Parents
  6. The Quarantine Guide to… Hot and Sweaty Birthdays for Loners
  7. The Quarantine Guide to… Terrible, Awful, Very Bad Haircuts
  8. The Quarantine Guide to… Living With Devil Children
  9. The Quarantine Guide to… Staying Sane
  10. The Quarantine Guide to… Cooking?
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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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