- The Quarantine Guide to… Shopping in Portswood Without Breaking The Law
- The Quarantine Guide to… Decorating Your Room Like You Don’t Already Hate It
- The Quarantine Guide to… Being Your Own Best Friend
- The Quarantine Guide to… Becoming Baller
- The Quarantine Guide to… Son, Sext and Suspicious Parents
- The Quarantine Guide to… Hot and Sweaty Birthdays for Loners
- The Quarantine Guide to… Terrible, Awful, Very Bad Haircuts
- The Quarantine Guide to… Living With Devil Children
- The Quarantine Guide to… Staying Sane
- The Quarantine Guide to… Cooking?
- The Quarantine Guide to… Lockdown Tzsujing Your Christmas Traditions!
‘CHRISTMAS IS FUN!’ we shout, without knowing what it means. The fun is from frolics, from feelings, from fridgelike temperatures. Our own Christmas traditions and yearly experiences shape our outlook on life and all happiness that has ever existed, and yet, this year, everything is different.
But that doesn’t mean that the fun has gone? Christmas cannot be contaged with virus and get sick and have to stay in bed for 14 days without seeing anyone! FUN WILL HAPPEN. Here’s how:
Grab you skates boys, it’s Christmas time
I think I ruined the suspense by mentioning this in the caption. But yes, ice skating IS Christmas. Down in Southampton, we would have the rink set up outside WestQuay but to no avail this year. That rink was the place of socials, of friendship, of first dates and first glides. Recreate that festive magic in your own home! While washing up liquid upon the kitchen tiles has graced the internet on a loop, smashing into your glass-doored oven is not on anybody’s wish list. Instead take your rink to somewhere really special, the bathroom. Here you have a luscious supply of wetness and a stonecold floor that can literally freeze the skin off your foot if it were to touch it bare. Wet and cold makes ice and the rink is history.
Christmas market? Yes, you can!
I do love parading down a group of little wooden huts and knowing full well I’m not going to buy anything inside them. Recreate that magic too with a little bit of of effort. First, chop down all the wood in the nearby forest. Then cut the wood into strips. Sand the strips until they become appropriately shaped timber. Then, fashion that timber into multiple shed-type structures using some nails, a hammer, and someone’s meaty arm. Then, fill each hut with a selection of things nobody wants that much of, such as candles, decorative stones and overly soft gingerbread. Walk around it and look at how your breath is very cold. My, my is it cold.
My favourite auntie is not called Carol, but it would be very fitting if she were. In ode to Carol, knocking upon someone else’s door and screaming at them would be a wonderfully festive idea, but our old friends at Spooktember have already ruled this out as an option. But does that mean carolling is cancelled this year? Nuh uh. Wait until the most magical time of 3am and carol outside your housemate’s door – they’ll love it! Start with Silent Night (classic), move to O Little Town of Bethlehem, and end with a Jackson 5 melody. Who could complain about that?
Perch upon a knee
They say sitting upon Santa’s knee is just for the kids, but this year, the old rules don’t apply! Knees for everyone! Dress up your sofa with a big moppy beard and tell it what you want for Christmas. Give it a hug. Wait in line until it’s your turn to sit on Sofa Claus. Write it a letter. Post it. Learn over time that Sofa Claus doesn’t really exist. Cry a little bit. Become horrified when you see mommy kissing Sofa Claus.