- The Quarantine Guide to… Living With Devil Children
- The Quarantine Guide to… Staying Sane
The outside world is a dangerous and scary place. Disease and panic-buyers run rampant, but that doesn’t mean inside is any better. Sure, you’re safe, but are you safe from everything? The Guardian says ‘boredom is bad’, which sounds like a great excuse to create a definitive guide to staying entertained during isolation.
Curated from research by more top scientists than ever before, this guide can help you to avoid boredom and will enable you to focus all of your energy on the daily sweet, sweet nothings from Boris.
Step 1 – Wonder when will your life begin
Maybe read a book or even two or three. Perhaps add a few new paintings to your gallery. How about playing the guitar, knitting, cooking and simply wondering when will your life begin? Repeat until a handsome thief rescues you from your confinement.
Step 2 – Find someone to blame for your life sucking
Whether this is your mother, your partner, or that guy in the mirror, place all the blame for current events on them and make sure they know it.
Step 3 – Forget what vegetables are
The best way to maintain sanity is to ignore all kinds of vitamins and minerals that escape the processing treatment. The only exception to this rule is anything that comes in a can – I would really miss tinned peaches.
Step 4 – Remove all hair
Regardless of gender or social influence, all hair must be removed, be it your locks or from somewhair else. Empty leg follicles are not the request of the patriarchy, but instead, are a way to keep your skin free from expelled strands of death.
Step 5 – Cry about everything
After an intense removal of life toxins, your body will have experienced a drastic change, as will your mind. Take this opportunity to cry about everything that has ever happened to you, as this will be the only time you can say you’re ‘cleansing your aura’ and not just be being dramatic.
Step 6a – Feign an imaginary friendship with Boris
It makes you feel better when your best bud is in control. Sort of like when you trust your bestie to order the Uber on a night out even though they’ve just downed an entire bottle of Lambrini.
Step 6b – Feign an imaginary friendship with a food item
If it’s difficult for you to creatively hold conversations with the PM in your head, you may be feeling a bit low in the friend department. But, hang on a second, , that carrot could be your best friend! Just make sure you keep him separate from the other carrots, or else you may have to revert to Step 5 again.
Step 7 – Write for Wessex Scene
Now that you have more time and even more things to complain about, why not write them down? And then type them up? And then submit them as articles? And then wait for them to be published? And then share your published article on Facebook saying, ‘I wrote a thing’? Restore your sanity and that of those connected to you digitally as well.
Step – Be thankful for this opportunity to reflect
This part is optional. Or just very difficult to achieve. I miss the pub.