The Quarantine Guide to… Terrible, Awful, Very Bad Haircuts

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While hairdressers are slowly opening with precautionary measures in place, many Britons and others around the world have had to mend and make do with cutting their locks for the past few months. However, mending hair is an impossible task, and many have had to live with a new found horror upon their heads.

To help those still suffering with a quarantine cut, or those who still don’t know how to deal with their stylist’s hack job, we have devised a guide to understanding and getting over terrible, awful, very bad haircuts.

Step One – Get a Haircut

This may seem like a superfluous step, but it is important to highlight what a haircut entails. At LEAST three strands must be snipped and it is imperative that what is created is nothing like the impossible vision that you had in your mind.

Step Two – Hate it

No matter if you look ten times better or fifty times worse, you’re going to hate it. No amount of artistry will allow you to understand the improvements that have been made. You will stare directly into a different person’s eyes and realise that you will have to live as a decrepit swamp hag for the rest of your life.

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Step Three – Learn to Love It

Perhaps you were misinformed. Your previous self was solely looking through a telescope while making your head look like a big, round moon. Your new self is an optimist, a lover, a wise man following his own star. New you is smart.

Step Four – Realise that was a Stupid Idea

You soon realise that maybe asking your drunk housemate at 4am to cut your hair was a very terrible mistake, especially when they got their beard trimmer out. The chances are they have never received their hairdressing qualification, but at least you have an excuse to not want to go outside for your state-sanctioned daily exercise.

Step Five – Make Someone Feel Bad about It

Did your mum cut your hair? Did she do a really bad job? Did she try her best? Does it really matter? All questions like these are completely irrelevant when it comes down to the real truths: whatever is on your head is awful and you hate it. Whether you live with you hairdresser or not, pick a victim and make them understand your own personal anguish for your chop by throwing them some absolutely cutting remarks.

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Step Six – Remember it grows back

Either your mum shouts this at you when you start blaming her for everything going wrong in your life, or you think of this yourself while ankle-deep in your own tears, but hair does grow back. If it takes too long you can always try sticking the strands back together or consuming a cubic s**t-ton of Holland and Barrett’s finest miracle tablets with activated magic bean extract.

But most importantly, remember it’s a lockdown, not a lock-off, so you can always skip the quarterly trim to alleviate the chance for any really hairy scenarios.

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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