The Quarantine Guide to… Son, Sext and Suspicious Parents

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Lockdown has forced many students back into their childhood homes. However, for those whose beaus would live many miles away, the months of separation seemed almost too much of a sacrifice to make. But that raises a few questions: where do you go? Will you survive apart? Will you survive together? And will your mum walk in at those moments that you just don’t want her to? 

While this guide was created for lockdown, its words are immortal. Head this message to have a bit fun while keeping the prying eyes of those nosy b*stards at bay.

Step One: Move into a house with someone’s overbearing parents

Whether they’re yours, your partner’s or they belong to that cool guy you met one time, you must move into a house with parent(s) who are a little too interested in what’s going on. Before you left, you thought you had picked the right ones, but it becomes more and more clear you’ve made a huge mistake and you’ll never be alone again. Put a sign on the door that requests a knock upon entering. Ignore the fact that this sign will be ignored.

Step Two: Make awkward eye contact with everybody

You are an adult now. You do adult things. The only terrible part to that is that everybody knows what you might be up to. Cue awkward eye contact with a father over a spoonful of peas. Your relationship is marred.

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Step Three: Notice that your privacy is non-existent

You’ll come back after your daily walk and see your window has been opened. The stuffy and rank air that you’ve been collecting in your room has been evacuated. While your progress has been destroyed, you also know your personal space has been invaded. Time to sit downstairs and and tell your parents that ‘it must be really nice to live somewhere where people respected your space.’ That’ll show ’em.

Step Four: Stay Freaky, But Not Squeaky

Feel like you’re missing quality sexy time? Maybe, you might just have to spice things up a little bit. Is the single bed that you spent many youthful nights a bit noisy? May I interest you in the wardrobe? Perhaps there is a lonesome chair, or, if you’re lucky, a rocking horse whose eyes are perhaps a bit too wide? He’s seen a lot, you know.

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Step Five: Move The Suspicion

You may get cornered about your activities, sensuous or not. Perhaps a midnight snack turned into an early morning banquet and nothing could cease the hungered rage you had entered. Maybe you ignored earlier advice and committed to ensuring the headboard stayed as still as possible. Either way, a cornering is not necessarily the end. Most households, especially ones during holidays or nationwide lockdowns, are full to the brim of people, all of whom are guilty. Has you mother questioned you about a noise from your room late last night? Address abruptly by hinting to her that your brother has been putting empty boxes of snacks back into the cupboard. Suspicion momentarily alleviated.

Whether you are the son, the daughter, or a financial leech of another kind, engaging in sexts a hundred miles away or going at it next door, there are numerous ways of averting the eyes of suspicious parents. That being said, you could always just move out forever and never come back. Run so that they may never catch you and give you a lecture about sexual health ever again.

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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